TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from put. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have One more area where by American men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Trump Tower Damascus unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting attention from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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